How to tell if a guy is gay

But unless he’s made it clear he wants to talk about it, speculating about someone’s identity—even privately—can feel like a kind of trespassing.

This is especially true in social settings where being queer could still cost someone safety or community. Although this is especially true for bisexual men, Western society is ironically more tolerant of women who are attracted to both sexes.

Researchers have typically conceptualized bisexual men as being halfway between straight and gay.

Some gay men are masculine. My response is, “As a sex therapist, I have a duty to tell you that your anus doesn’t have a sexual orientation. The same division into masculine and feminine applies to lesbian women as well.

In the end, even a single continuum from gay to straight may not be enough to fully define human sexuality.

Straight guys don’t even notice the men.

Another thing that I look for is homophobia. Who does the man want to go to dinner and a show with, who does he want to spend the holidays with, who does he want to wake up next to in the morning? As men interact with the gay community, they pick up ways of speaking and acting that signal membership in the group.

That said, I do see a lot of couples where the woman says she’s OK with the man continuing his behavior, as long as it’s only with other men. Sometimes with bisexual men, there’s a period of time when it becomes very important for him to express his same-sex attraction. But when you find yourself wondering whether a guy is gay, the question can quickly cross into territory that isn’t fully yours to explore—at least not without care, context, and consent.

Sexuality is deeply personal.

But if he is struggling with it, you being safe, kind, and nonjudgmental may be the thing that finally lets him speak.

Bisexuality and Fluidity Deserve Space Too

Not every man questioning his attraction to other men is gay. Or bi. Some are pansexual. They’re just not into it.

Sometimes it’s sparked by attraction. It’s creating space. So this is a way of bonding with men—ironically, through sex—and it happens not because the man is gay but because he doesn’t know any other way to get this need met.

Last but not least, a lot of guys are into anal stimulation and they’re afraid their wives won’t do it, or they’re too embarrassed to ask, or they’ve asked and their wives have said no.

Most gay or bisexual men will say yes. A gay guy wants to do all of that with a man, a bisexual guy might want a man or a woman, and the straight guy wants to only be with a woman in that way.

What is it, typically, that drives these men into treatment, whether it’s on their own or with their wife?

The internet is doing it.